How To Help Your Spouse and Your Marriage

Not that you are fully responsible for someone else's happiness, but realize that you can, and do, have a major impact on others, most notably, your spouse.

I've been reading quite a few articles about marital happiness.  What it is, what it takes.  Depending on the source, the articles tell you to center your marriage on each other, or God, or the Earth, the kids, or Jupiter, or well, *insert center of existence here*.

I've kind of boiled down all of the advice to a short(ish) list.  Now, I am by no means a professional in life, marriage, counseling, or anything like that.  The best that I can do is try to absorb some of the info, work it to help my life, and pass along what my experiences end up being.

So, here's some stuff on how to be an effective spouse, and how to have a positive affect on your special someone.  Totally from my (non-professional) point of view.

• Sleep with your spouse
• I don't mean have sex (though that is nice).  I mean, get in the bed with your spouse, talk, watch your shared favorite television show, do a crossword, be silly.  Just get in bed together.  Those moments of non-sexual intimacy mean a lot.  It's a way to connect with each other as people.  
• Say hello to your spouse FIRST when you get home
• It's great to be greeted at the door by children who are happy to see you.  But remember your spouse?  You probably came home to him or her before you came home to the kids. Your spouse is happy to see you at the end of the day, even if s/he isn't jumping up and down upon your entry, they are thrilled to see you.  To come home to your spouse speaks to the depths of your commitment to your marriage.  For your spouse to be at home to welcome you speaks to the depths of their commitment to your marriage.
• Listen
• Whether they are telling you about the boring, everyday aspects of their life, a big meeting at work, or their concern for their own emotional/mental well-being, LISTEN.  It is not fun when you realize that your best friend has heard nothing that you said.  Or worse, didn't take you seriously about something important.
• Remember
• Remember, at least try to remember, some of the things that your spouse tells you.  What they tell you can and WILL come up in a later conversation.  This goes hand in hand with that whole "listen" thing.  Now, no one is expected to remember every single thing that anyone tells them, but you should make it a point to focus on what your spouse says.
• Have at least 5 common goals
• Even if it's something as simple as have coffee together, or a date night once a month.  It's so important to be on the same page!  Things like, getting out of debt and how to bring up the children...WOW!  If you two aren't on the same page, neither one of you is going to be happy.
• Don't stop dating your spouse
• Remember when you two first got together.  She shaved her legs, he brought flowers.  You sipped sipped a delightful tawny port over a fruit and cheese plate at the wine bar while you laughed at each other's geeky jokes. The thrill of holding hands and sharing popcorn at the movies.  Your spouse still needs that.  Between work, kids, household duties, and bills, it's easy to let those moments slip into the past and live as fond memories.  Even if you don't leave the house...put the kids to bed and have a cup of tea together.  Dating your spouse also helps them to feel appreciated, and like they are still the only one who catches your eye.  Let's face it...who doesn't enjoy the rush of love?
• Protect their ability to have some time to themselves
• If they need it.  And by know, you should know if your spouse is the kind of person who needs some downtime.  To build a model, take a drive, write, watch a few minutes of mindless television, pee...some people need some time alone, some don't.  Some take some of their time to hit the gym, some had a lot of things that they used to do to recharge, but don't anymore.  When your spouse needs some time, and they don't get it, everyone notices.  Tempers flare, attitudes get attitude-y, and the spouse whose emotional bank is empty gives up on the notion of a recharge ever again.  Sometimes, people, no matter how much in love they are with their spouse and kids, just need a minute.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It's just how some people are.
• Work at marriage
• It's easy to say, "Well, when the kids are older, we'll go do XYZ."  Here's the problem...if you don't cultivate your marital relationship, who will?  The kids, while they add greatly to marriage, can't.  The importance of marriage, and the relationship between the spouses, is something that you have to teach them.  The children should be a proirty, but your spouse and marriage should be the Number 1.  If you don't work at the marriage every day, what's going to happen when the kids fly the nest?  There won't be anything to work on.  Sadly, so many empty-nesters get divorced because they find that they have very little in common when the kids leave.  I have a strong suspicion that the couples that stay together make it a point to BE married, to listen, to remember, to date.  I also have a strong feeling that their children will be ones to stay married, too.
• Brag on your spouse
• Compliment them.  In public.  In private.  It lets them know that you don't only see snarky, mean, generally not so nice characteristics in them.  It also lets them know that you are their biggest fan and that they are cherished.  And you should be.  You married each other for a reason.
• Don't take yourself, or your spouse, so seriously all of the time
• Sometimes, just be silly.  Make corny jokes, let her roll her eyes.  Know that dinner sucked royally, and let him throw it away.  And if he does eat it, crack a joke at your own expense, thank him, then pour him a glass of wine and hope that he forgets the disaster.

Now, my list definitely isn't exhaustive.  It's just some stuff that I've seen that works from others that I have witnessed who are happily married (and look like they are going to stay that way).  I'm certain that there are times when marriages need tune-ups:  deep heart-to-hearts, maybe even counseling (individual and couple's), but it's part of the job that marriage is (and should be).  You and your spouse are the foundation of your family (whether you have kids or not).  Foundations built on sand will not stand.  The tide will come in, tornadoes and hurricanes will blow, but will you and your spouse still be standing when it's over?  I sure hope so.  Being married is (mostly) fun.  But like most things, it is what you make of it!  I intend on making the most of it, and I'm happy to say that my  husband and I have that as one of our many common goals.  

In Defense of the Crafting Moms and Dads

Because I am one.  I have friends who are.  Never once have I thought that they were out to "stick it to me" or anyone else.  In fact, I admire their talents.  We all have different specialties.  One dear friend can crochet the most beautiful wearable art that I've ever seen.  I'm fortunate enough to have some of her work.  One should get paid for the work she can do in Photoshop (Back to School photos).  One can sew and embroider the cutest outfits that my girls have ever worn (birthday outfits). 

Let me tell you how this one started.  A person posted a link to a blog entry where (in keeping with the Mommy Wars) the writer blasted moms who craft, have themes for their kids' parties, try to capture the perfect photo, and/or sew.

The person who shared the article had (what I felt were) some not very nice things to say about moms like me:  The ones who craft, throw those parties, photograph, bake, sew, scrapbook, cook organic, whatever.  Someone else chimed in with not so kind (almost snarky-mean) words of agreement.  I won't repeat what I read, but I will say that I was very put-off by the exchange.  Put off enough to do a little friends list clean-up.  (It wasn't just this that prompted it, I had been contemplating it for a while because of the generally negative nature of things that I kept reading from this person). 

So, in defense of the Crafting (or whatever hobby-engaging) Mom and Dad, I decided to write a list of thoughts that came to me while reading the article, and the Facebook comments on this person's wall.  I will try to keep it brief, but I feel that Moms and Dads like us deserve a break.

• I craft because I enjoy doing it.  Even if I didn't have kids, I'd do it.
• I bake because I enjoy doing it.  I also run a successful baking business.  My cakes, cookies, and cupcakes are elaborate because I train hard to excel at my craft and ultimately, my business,
• I am well educated, and well stimulated.  Smart people engage in hobbies, too.
• I put together themed birthday parties for my children because it is actually what they want, not me.  Ask KP.  Last year, she requested nearly every Disney character be present at her party.  This year, she asked for Merida.  Merida is the theme.  She's a great kid, and doesn't always get everything that she wants.  I don't see an issue with giving her what she wants on her birthday.  
• If you think, for one single second, that my kids' parties, my crafts, or my dinners have anything to do with you, or that I'm making you feel less than adequate, then you give yourself more importance in my life than you really have.  Also, you are giving me more importance in your life than I want.  I promise you, I didn't give you one single thought when putting these parties together (you know, the ones for MY KIDS).  I did not set out to 'stick it to you', or anything of the sort.  Actually, you're not even on the invite list anyway, so I don't understand your concern.
• I cook because I enjoy doing it.  If you don't like to cook, allrightythen...don't cook.
• I didn't think that it was fair to say that parents like this should stop doing what they are doing.  Why don't you learn how to do some of the things that we do?  Maybe if you had better time management skills, you would have time to craft, cook, bake, sew.  Maybe if you weren't so busy trying to get everyone to be like you, you'd also be happier (I don't know, just a guess).  If you are having feelings of inadequacy, I suggest some type of therapy.  Try blogging.  It's fun!
• I don't sew.
• I don't go out of my way to do organic.
• I hate kale.
• I take the photos that are there.  You know what?  They are all perfect to me because my family is in them.
• I am not looking for perfection.  I am trying to be a good wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter, and niece.
• I am not out to impress you.  I don't care if you are impressed or ticked-off by what I do for my family and loved ones.  What I care about is that those people know that they are loved and cared about.
• I have always been an over-achiever.  This is nothing new.  However, if you knew me better, then you would already know this.  
• I'd be more than happy to teach you some things.  Just ask.
• I'd be happy to do these things for you, if you're nice and ask.  
• I have created exactly one pin on Pinterest.  It had nothing to do with a craft or food.  It was of my amazing husband working in MCC.  He was looking quite awesome (as always) in a shirt and tie that I picked out.  The story is about NASA, not my child's anything.
• If you don't want to broaden your horizons, fine.  Keep on believing in a flat world.  Mine is a globe, full of new and exciting things to learn and experience.
• Have you thought about how your attitude affects your kids?  You are helping to shape them as individuals.  I hope that you are helping to shape them into nice individuals, not mean girls and boys.  There's enough of that going around.

Is that enough?  No, it's not.  But in order to help end these stupid Mommy Wars, we MUST stop trying to make others feel like they are doing something wrong.  Breast vs. Formula, Organic vs. Non-organic, Home School vs. Public School, Vaccinate vs. Non-Vaccinate...Goodness!!  While I definitely have my own opinions on each of these subjects, I whole-heartedly admit that we're all just trying to do what's best for our families.

I know, you're thinking, "What about this list that you just wrote?  Isn't it engaging in Mommy Wars?"  No, it's saying, "As long as I'm not asking you for money, as long as I'm not demanding your time, as long as I'm not telling you 'what you need to do' (how I hate that!) then you shouldn't be so worried about what I'm doing.  Rear your kids, I'll rear mine.  Maybe we can meet in the middle."

Now, I'm off to plan our kids' new playroom, decorations for our new house, and KP's birthday party.  I WILL be pulling out the Cricut and my new Silhouette.  There WILL be vinyl, cute labels, and something about "The Abbott Family, Established 2010".  There WILL be a "Bless this home, and all who enter".  And some handmade wreaths.  And seasonal banners for the mantle.  And photos on canvas.  And whatever other cute stuff that I find inspiration for on Pinterest.

Crafting...cheaper than therapy...(maybe)!

HOLY COW!!

I know, I know...It's been almost a year since I've written a blog post.  I know...last time, I said that I was going to be better....well, new year, new start.  That, and I have accountability to some good friends of mine to publish at least once a week.

I admit, blogging was great therapy for me.  But, I let other stuff get in the way, and I shouldn't have.  All of these thoughts in my head, stories about the random stuff that happens to me, rants in general....they need to get out more.  So, I'm back.  I promise.  Aggie Word.  At least once a week, you'll hear from me.  I'll keep it interesting...as you all know, Hollywood writes movies based on the stuff that happens to me!

As a little catch-up, KP is about to turn 4 (yes, 4!  I'm not handling it well).  EmiCakes will be 2 this summer (seriously?!).  And, Baby #3 will be arriving this summer, as well!  Supposedly with a birthday just 5 days after EmiCakes, but knowing me, s/he will be here in May.

We'll be moving soon.  Had to get a bigger place, or the new baby (aka Peanut) was going to have to sleep in a drawer in the kitchen.  We had been house-hunting for about a year, and the timing just happened to work out for us.  We are definitely excited about all of the changes, and I am only slightly terrified!

So, here I am!  Back at it.  Stealing moments here and there to write a blog that has become my back-burner therapy.  Luckily, I've jotted down lists of things to write about.  Some funny, some serious, some down-right pointless...but hey!  That's life, right?

To keep it light for this particular post, I'll give you some insane cuteness:

Where has the time gone??????

One minute, I'm able to make regular entries on the blog, and then the next.....Well, you see how long it's been since I've been able to write....let's just say that I'm a busy lady.  Right now, Tots is off at school, Scoots is napping and a load is running in the washer.  It some darks that need to go on gentle, in case you were wondering.

So, for a quick update on what's been happening...

1) Katie-Pie and Emi-Pooh had an excellent Christmas

2)  Hubby and I had an excellent Christmas

3)  We spent a fabulous New Year's in Fort Worth with family

4)  KP turned 3.  Three.  Three years old.  The Big 0-3.

5) She had a super fun party

6)  I had a super fun nervous breakdown over the fact that my baby turned 3.

7)  Emi-Pooh turned 8 months

8)  Emi-Pooh started pulling up on everything, bruising every part of her face, acting like the biggest little girl that you've ever seen.

9)  Had another super fun breakdown over the fact that Little Baby turned 8 months.

10)  Lost a couple of family members

11)  Learned to lean a little more on God.

I promise to get back to regularly scheduled updates here on the blog.  Heck, I may even get to do one later today!

I Swear That I'm Not Trying To Start Mess

Really, I'm not.  But when I spot incorrect, inaccurate, or misleading information, I'm going to call it out.  Especially when it involves my children's healthcare.

I'm taking responsibility for the fact that two months had passed before I actually looked at this information.  But I'm still going to look into the issue and try to have it resolved.  It involves inaccurate information on my child's health record at the eye doctor.

You see, (no pun intended), I took Emi to the eye doctor back in September because I had noticed a photo of her that showed the dreaded "white-eye reflex".  As a scientist, I was cool and level-headed, knowing that more likely than not, it was nothing....however, as a mother, I flipped out.  All that Mommy-Me could think was that some evil cancer was going to rob my sweet baby of her eyesight, and potentially her life.  Either as a scientist or a mother, I couldn't let that happen.  I called the pediatrician (totally poking fun at myself and telling them that I AM that mother, you can shake your head at me when you hang up the phone, thanks for entertaining me and my neurosis) and she gave us a referral to a pediatric ophthalmologist.

I took Emi to the eye doctor.  You know, filled out about 20 pages of paperwork, submitted my driver's license and insurance card, signed this, that and the other, and waited.  Luckily, we didn't have to wait too long to see the doctor.  He was super nice, as was the nurse who dilated Emi's eyes.  I was told that her eyes were super healthy, and that she could see very well for a three-month old...no abnormalities.  Mommy-Me was relieved as Scientist-Me scolded her and said, "See, I TOLD you!"  I took the papers, with a one-year follow up exam scheduled, and home we came.

Fast-forward to a few days ago.  I actually read the front page of the paperwork.  I mean, really read it.  They, without any question being asked of me, listed Emi as "Black or African-American".

That's inaccurate.

That's misleading.

That's just plain wrong.

And, no one asked me.

I completely understand that there can be different health concerns for different ethnicities....I get it (there are also socio-economic, educational background, familial health history factors to consider).  But, to list either of my children as "Black/African-American" and nothing else is wrong.  To me, it's a slap in the face to my husband, their father, who is not Black.  It's a slap in the face to them.  It says, "You must deny half of yourself and all of one parent, because the 'One Drop' rule is in effect because I said so."  Someone just decided that they would just identify our daughter as this, and I'm thinking that the decision was based on the fact that it was just her and me at the check-in desk.

So, I called to have this corrected on her charts.  Honestly, it could very well affect her healthcare choices in the future.  It's wrong to say that she's a Black child.  It's wrong to say that she's a White child.  It's ok, however, to say that she's Bi-Racial, if you MUST label her.  And if you do, then you need to make sure what her 'ethnic composure' really is, because 'bi-racial' could be anything.  It just means that both parents aren't of the same ethnic descent.

But, I didn't stop there.  I asked the nurse, "If she had come with my husband, her father, would she have been listed as White?"

No answer.

"I just think that if this information is going to be listed on a medical chart, then someone should ask, not just assume.  It could alter discussions and choices that need to be made."

"Ummm....we'll get that changed on her records."

"OK.  She's Black-White bi-racial.  Thank you."

"I'll see to it that it's changed.  Thank you, ma'am."

I was never asked (though the doctor and I did talk about it during the appointment).  And, let's just be honest....if you look at our children, you can tell that they are not "all Black".  You can't help but notice it.

The hubster and I talked about it before I called.  I wanted him to know that I wasn't trying to start any trouble, or some potential media poop-storm....just in case it got ugly and I had to call the local news...but I just want what's right for our girls.  They are the changing face of not only America, but of the world.  They are beautiful combinations of Danish, English, African, Native American, Irish.  They are like awesome chocolate-vanilla ice cream swirl cones with rainbow sprinkles (and who doesn't love rainbow sprinkles??).  And they should be proud of their mixed heritage.  They should never be forced to identify one way or the other, because it's just plain wrong.

So, I'll call back next week to check and see that her record has been corrected.  Not only for her sake, but for the sake of all of the children born to an ethnically diverse couple.  They should make their own choices on ethnic self-identification, not have strangers make those choices for them.

Daddy and our "Mixed & Happys"

Just call me "Judgy McJudgerson"

Ok, I did it.  I judged another parent today.  And yes, I do feel bad about it, but before you judge me know this:  1)  I think that 99% of the time, 99% of parents are just doing their best to bring up good people (there is that small number of people who just should NOT be responsible for another living human being); 2) While I did judge this parent, I also felt bad for her at the same time; 3) While I did judge this parent, I also felt bad for the kid at the same time.

Here's the set-up:

Tots, Toots and I were in CFA for a girls' lunch.  (I know, I know....it's fast food and all that jazz, but work with me, here).  We sat across from a mom (at least I assume that she is the mother) her 4 year old son, and her toddler daughter.  Tots was happily munching on her chicken nuggets, apple juice, and my chicken tortilla soup.  I was having an original and a sweet tea.  The four year old boy (I know that he was four, because he told several people his age) ate three original sandwiches, a large order of waffle fries, a box of chicken strips, a large (adult) soda, which was refilled a couple of times, a milk shake, and some cookies.  In one setting.  And when he slid out of his seat, he could not walk around the table without wheezing.  And his mom just smiled and laughed and called him "Her little Gordito".

How incredibly sad.  And, I judged them.

But here's my side of it.  How in the world could you let your child eat THAT MUCH in one setting????  How could you not feel that something was wrong with this situation?  He could very well have an emotional or medical issue which causes him to eat this massive volume of food in one setting (Prader-Willi syndrome first came to mind, but there were other physical characteristics typical of PWS that were not obviously present here). Maybe his mother doesn't know any other way to interact with her child, other than food.  I mean, Tots LOVES her CFA, no lie....but if we don't eat it, she may get upset and all, but she's more than happy to do something else fun.

It's sad that there is the possibility that their relationship as mother and son is purely based on food.  It's also sad that she may not know how to BE with her child, or communicate with him in ways that don't involve food.  It's terribly heart-breaking to think that this child may have a severe emotional, mental, or medical problem that causes this...and that his parents either don't have the resources, or the knowledge, or don't care to get him help.  His mom *seemed* all to happy to call him 'Gordito'....this is not to say that she's not torn up inside.  Maybe she does know that something is wrong, but has resigned herself to this fate.  But what about HIS fate?  This poor boy is a walking time-bomb who could very well not see his 10th birthday, let alone his 6th.

I'm going to assume that she loves that boy with all of her heart.  I'm also going to assume that all of her decisions regarding her son are based on the love that a mother has for her child.  I'm even going to assume that he is the apple of her eye....and that maybe, just maybe, she doesn't know any other way to express her love for him, except through food....and that's sad.  Yes, I know that in the South, nothing says "I love you" like a plate of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and gravy, green beans and mac & cheese, served with a big ol' glass of sweet tea and followed by some pecan pie with ice cream.  I get it.  I'm Southern.  But still......

And what about the little girl?  Is she going to grow up, ultimately without her brother?  Is she going to think that this is normal?  What's going to happen when she has children of her own?

When I got married, I decided to put my husband's health and happiness on the top of my "Things Most Important To Me" list...above my own, even.  When I became a mother, my children's health and happiness went on that list as well.  They are my responsibility.  It is my duty to them to make sure that they are, first and foremost, healthy (not eating junk food all of the time), then that they are happy (having some M&M's, or chips on occasion).  I'm not opposed to fast food, sugary snacks, and cupcakes on occasion, but my kids aren't going to make multiple meals per day out of those foods.  Even Cookie Monster understands that cookies are a "sometimes" food.  If either of mine, or even Hubby, ate like that...I tell you that we'd be in a doctor's office so quickly, everyone's heads would be swimming!

So, in the end...I judged, and I felt bad about it, because I don't know the story of their family.  But, I hope that someone can help before it's too late.

I know too many.....

On several occasions, people have asked me why I share links to information about pregnancy and infant loss, or prayers for families who have babies that were lost too soon.  They get really concerned and ask me, "What's your story?" or they say, "I didn't know!  You've never talked about it!"

Well, I haven't talked about it, because I've never experienced it.  I cannot imagine what the loss of a child does to a family.  How a mother has her very soul ripped from her being.  How a father feels powerless to fight back the darkness.  How brothers and sisters wonder "what happened".  How grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends try to process tragedy.  Now, I will tell you that I have held friends who have lost their babies.  I have tried to absorb the pain from them....tried to help it to pass....but I can't.  I can only be there...be there to listen to stories about their babies, dry tears as they flow, pray for healing, pray for comfort for them.

I know how much I love my babies, and I know that I have no idea what I would do without them.  When pregnant, I worried about my babies as any other mother would.  But, I planned, I prayed, I held my breath, and in the end, we brought our babies home.  They are healthy and happy, and the delight of my soul.

I simply cannot comprehend the darkness that I would see and feel if they were not here.  And that's why my heart goes out to the families who live with this reality each and every day.  Knowing that there is always an empty spot at the dinner table.  One less smile in vacation pictures.  One trick-or-treater missing.  One set of unpurchased Christmas gifts.

I don't know how these families can find the strength.  It is not the proper order of things.  Parents should not have to bury their children.  It's wrong.  Plain and simple.  It shouldn't be this way.

Every single day, my heart goes out to my friends, and to strangers, who live with this reality.  I pray for them, for their babies, for understanding....though I'm guessing that understanding will never come....it can't...not when life happens in such an out of order way.

So, here is my prayer for all of my family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers who mourn the loss of their babies every day:

Dear Heavenly Father,

We don't always know the why behind Your decisions, just that we must trust Your decisions.  It's not always easy, but You know best.  I pray that You wrap your loving and healing arms around the hearts and lives of families who mourn the loss of their precious babies.  Touch their hearts and minds so that they know You are the only One who loves these precious babies more.  Help us to understand that even though their lives may have been too short for us, they are eternally and supremely happy in Your presence.  As we miss them, remind us of how they are a part of the wind that blows, the rain that falls, and the sun that shines.  Please let the babies know that they are loved, cherished, and missed more than words can ever express.  We carry them in our hearts always and await the day when that joyous reunion happens, and the families are complete.

Mother Mary, please care for the children as only you can.  Blessed Mother, also care for those left behind to mourn them.  Your heart knows the pain of loss, and also knows the blessing of healing.  Help us to trust in the Lord as you have trusted in Him and help us to be accepting of the Healing that only He can offer.

Amen