On Responsibility....and Why I Will Continue My Lenten Devotion

I'll address the last part first.  Why I will continue my Lenten Devotion for the rest of the year....because if I don't, I am going to run the chance of saying some very not nice things to people.  Holding to this devotion means that I will be too busy trying to do the right thing to have time to do the wrong thing.  Dear Lord, have mercy on me, 'cause my human nature is really wanting to break through right now and speak its mind.

Now, to address the ideas of responsibility....it's really not that hard....I promise.  When a person accepts a responsibility, what is the difficult part about accepting the duties that come with it?  I have a few guesses:  1) They didn't think through what "responsibility" actually means; 2) They don't care about what responsibility actually means; and/or 3) They figure that they can claim being the victim and push the responsibility off on others.

I'm not saying that everyone should be all 'touchy-feely' or anything like that...I'm just saying that I wonder what happened to the notion of personal responsibility and accountability.  So many things that are happening  in the world right now, and I wonder what would happen if, at some point in time, one of the people actually responsible for some of the crappier things happening would just say, "Hey!  My bad.  I'm sorry, I messed up, and now, I will try my best to remedy what I've done.  I've made some bad choices...on my own, I made those choices, I caused a mess, got called out, and it's what has happened.  I can't change the past, but I can be better in the future."

What would happen?  Really.....What would happen?

I wish that people would understand that when they actively make bad choices...when they go out of their way to hurt people, they can change not only who they are, but also the person or people that they commit the wrong against.  A person can really be damaged by one person choosing to make bad choices...reputations can be ruined, an innocent person's outlook on life can be changed, how that person chooses to interact with others.....and it can be detrimental to all parties involved.  What is so sad is that some people set out to do this, and don't seem to care about the aftermath....What does that say about them?  It speaks volumes....maybe they were hurt by someone doing the same to them in the past and they've adopted a "I'm gonna get them before they get me" attitude.  The problem with that is that they fail to recognize the fact that not everyone is "out to get them".

Maybe they like the feeling of power that comes with that attitude?  It's a corrupted power, but power none the less.  Some folks are power hungry and don't care what kind it is...

Maybe they just like trying to negatively impact someone else's life?  Like it's a game, and the more depressed they can make a person, or the more that they can make them a social outcast, the more that they feel like they are winning something...(what that something is, I don't know.....I don't live this lifestyle, so I can't tell you what the actual contest is about)

I don't know....I'm not going to even try to understand....there are too many wonderful things in my life...too many things to look forward to...and I definitely don't want to understand, because I would be worried about becoming like them.

And I don't want my kids to be like that.  I want for them to know that there are people in the world like this.  I want for them to be able to identify them...and I want for them to be able to avoid them.  I want for them to understand that it's ok to care for them from afar, and to pray for them, but they don't have to actively engage, or allow themselves to be victimized by people like that.  That's a lot of "I wants", I know, but I honestly want for my children to not have to go through these things and to be hurt by people with malicious intent.

But, I guess that in the end, if you don't take responsibility for your own actions, both good and bad, then you don't have to worry about the impact that your behavior could be having on someone else.  

Then, what's the cost of that?  Well, if that's your take, then there is no cost....it's always someone else's fault.  *sarcasm font on* "What a great life that must be!  No responsibilities, no worries, no problems!"  *sarcasm font off*

What Doesn't Kill Us.....

I tell ya'....they make TV shows and movies about what happens to me!! 

Man, oh man!  For anyone who was following me and my adventures with Katie-Pie on Facebook yesterday, you know that yesterday was officially the first, all-out, no-kidding, take-no-prisoners kind of "That Day".

It was one of those days.  It was the first time that, as a mother, all that I could do by the time hubby got home was wring my hands and run.  Here's a small list of what happened in Abbottland yesterday:

• Munchkin managed to rip the ink pads off of all of the stamp pads that she was playing with
• She managed to ink herself....enough to look like she was in a bad slasher movie and was bleeding pink blood
• Inked ME
• Ate a (hopefully, only) half of a crayon
•  Poured her cereal (complete with milk) on the floor
• Splattered yogurt from the television to behind the loveseat
• Painted the kitchen cabinet
• Almost (thankfully, only almost) destroyed a cake due for a customer on Saturday afternoon
• Went to the potty.....on the living room floor, and smiled about it
• Went to the potty.....on my lap
• Climbed onto the TV stand and tried to reach the top of the TV
• Tried to paint the TV
• Tried to stamp the TV
• Stamped the TV screen, ottoman, remote controls, and sofa
• Threw toys
• Tried to suck on a bottle of carpet cleaner and pitched a hissy when I wouldn't let her
• Pitched four other hissy fits (can't tell you why to save my life....I think that one had to do with the fact that I wouldn't let her ride the floor lamp like a pony)
• Took two naps

All before 4 o'clock in the afternoon (and actually, a majority of it happened before noon)

And I was doing my best to work on the cakes, cupcakes, and cookies that I had due for customers on Saturday.  That, obviously, did not happen...I couldn't leave for more than 5 seconds ('cause the one time that I did was a disaster).

Then, it happened.....I had "that" moment.....hubby got home from work (**finally**), and all that I could do was look at him, incoherently mumble something and run.  I left.  I ran upstairs to Katie's bathroom, shut the door, sat on the floor (with my feet propped against the door so no one could open it), and cried.  No, sobbed....ugly, mascara running, can't breathe, stopped up nose, side hurting, can't make anymore noise crying.  And, I couldn't stop for about three minutes.

All that I could think about was how I had failed my baby....and that made me cry harder....finally, I was able to put on my big girl under-roos and get on with the business of cake decorating.  But now, I had to move to Plan B on my projects because time became of the essence and I was very short on essence.  This also meant that I had to go to the store....three of them, actually...and it was going on 5PM on a Friday.

I told Matt that any errands that he needed to run, he was going to have to do so with Baby Girl in tow.  Out the door I went.....On my way to store number 1, I texted hubby and asked him what he wanted for dinner.  He said that he was going to grill, and keep KP close by.

Then, it happened....on my way to store number three, he asked who should pick up the steaks, as he and KP had just got back home from their errands....?!?!?!??!?!?!?  Ummmm....thought that you were going to do that as part of your errands???

Well, I texted back saying that I was going to Kroger and that he needed to let me know one way or the other.  He replied with something to the effect of, "Well, since you're going, can you pick up some steaks?"  And I lost it all over again......Are you kidding me?!?  And, I sent him back that one word reply that scares men to death: "Fine".  After all that I've been through today, and all that I will be going through tonight, NOW I have to pick up the steaks?!?!?!?  Two rude store workers and a non-existent butcher later, I self-checked, got hit by a shopping cart, got in my car and drove home. 

And when I got home, I darn near shoved the steaks up his nose as I stormed by....

After dinner, and after KP was in bed, and after hubby was in bed, I cried some more......it makes it difficult to decorate cakes and such, but I had to.  My grandmother always told me that crying was ok because you feel better when you're done.  Maybe that's what I've been needing to do lately (as my mood has been down-right foul recently) since I don't have a chance to go somewhere and take a breather, or craft (and my Cricut is acting crazy right now), crying was all that I could do last night.

Well, I need to get back to it.  Stuff to finish up before before needing to head to the first delivery place....thankfully, I traveled the miles during the night and all that's left is about 3 miles to roam.  When this weekend is over, I'm going to....well, I don't know what I'm going to do....but I'm going to do it....part of me can't think that far ahead right now....the other part doesn't want to.  Right now, I'm totally in the "make it though the next breath" zone....once I get back on track, it'll all be good.

Thanks to my dear Amie for chatting with me yesterday and checking on me.....She's awesome at helping me hold on to my sanity these days.  I don't feel stranded on SAH Mommy Island with her around!  And I know that even if I am stranded, she's right there with me....and we're crazy funny together, so at least we have some great laughs while waiting for the rescue boat!

Painting the kitchen cabinets

What do you mean, "Bathtime!"?  It's only 10 in the morning!

I hear that yogurt makes an excellent moisturizer....and carpet conditioner.

So, it's Saturday morning....Daddy and Sweet Potato Katie-Pie are making pancakes and bacon, and for once, I'm not concerned about attending morning Mass....I've got to finish up, and I just don't want to have that fight with KP this morning about how we wear pants in public.

I'm SOOOOO Glad That I've Not Said...

"Oh, MY kid would NEVER (insert the thing that 99.9% of kids do here)"  

Nope...haven't said it....because I know better.  It's also one of those parenting lessons that my grandparents taught me....never say what your kid won't do, because at some point in time, they WILL make you eat those words.

When my sweet baby turned two, people started laughing at me.  They said, "Oh, you're in for it now.  Those terrible twos!  You're gonna get it!"  And then, they would laugh a slightly deranged, almost maniacal laugh.  And sometimes, they'd point, too.

But I took it all in stride.  I didn't respond with, "Well, your little one may have done that when they were two, but not mine.  Sorry that it sucked to have been you then."  Actually, my general response to people who say things to me about the "terrible two's" is, "Well, I'm biding my time.  If it hasn't happened yet, then it it will when it does.  I'll handle it when the time comes."

I mean, why anticipate bad things happening?  These things become self-fulfilling prophecies.  It's like when people tell me that KP and I are going to fight like cats and dogs when she turns 12, and it won't change until she's 50.  Well, if I go into her adolescence and teen years with that attitude, then I figure that's exactly what I'm going to get.  I'm not saying that she and I won't have our disagreements, but I am saying that I'm not going to expect the worst (and subsequently, set our relationship up for the worst).

But, back to these so-called "Terrible Two's", and why I won't call them that....Baby officially turned two on February 1.  Up until last week, we had just been cruisin' along....then, it happened......She realized that she's caught between being a totally dependent baby an independent big girl.  Guess what?  Frustration hit....like a ton of bricks.  And she started having tantrums.  I don't blame her....so much going on in her brain and body right now, developmentally speaking.....the Id is in total control...and the Id gets told "no" or "not right now" quite a bit. Potty training, new baby on the way, allergies, can't have four cupcakes for dinner.....I'd have tantrums, too....but I'm not allowed.  Not at my age, at least.....

And here's the thing:  I would be worried if she didn't start having these breakdowns.  She's two.  She's supposed to.  She's learning how to navigate her world, and that's extremely hard work.  If she weren't having breakdowns, I'd have her in the doctor's office, trying to figure out what was wrong:  Does she have developmental problems?  Does she have autism?  Does she need medication?  What did I do wrong to make this happen?  I'd be scared out of my mind, because if she weren't having these life-changing experiences, that would mean one of two things...either the aforementioned developmental issues, or that she wasn't here with us anymore.

So, you see, the twos are only terrible if that's the outlook you choose to take.  I'm not saying that the past two weeks haven't been trying at times...I'm not saying that I'm not in need of a good cry, or a good glass of wine, or both....I'm just saying that I know that "This, too, shall pass."

Today, I just watched as she went to each bin of toys in the living room and tossed their contents on the floor.  I didn't even bother cleaning it up, because I knew that it would just happen again.  We left the house, hoping that a change of scenery would help.....which was fine, until we got to the craft store and she and I had it out over a Target receipt.  She wanted it, but I needed it so that I could give the attached gift receipt to Miss Jayme for Reagan's birthday present (just in case she gets 50 of this particular item, or it's too annoying to have in the house).  That's when she had her very first, very public breakdown.  I had not completed shopping, but I'm also not the type to subject non-family members to witness what was transpiring.  She actually took a couple of kids with her....I could hear other kids start screaming shortly after she did.... it was kind of like "Lord of the Flies", and my kid was Ralph, and her screams called the other children like the conch called the stranded boys to assembly on the island.

We left the store, but had to wait at the entrance because I was afraid to take her out of the basket, lest she hurt herself.  I finally wrestled her into the car, and we sat in the backseat for about 20 minutes, calming down, because it started all over again when I tried to put her in her carseat for a ride.  She screamed and hollered, and I just held on to her, hugged her, kissed her, and told her that I love her.  She finally settled down, and we went to Chuck E. Cheese to meet some friends for lunch.  Again, I was hoping that an outing would help both of us.....and it did....until it was time to eat.....and then leave.....

Thankfully, she went to sleep on the ride home.  I used to hate that because it meant no nap when we got home (or drive around for two hours while she slept) but not anymore.  And I took her out of her car seat, tucked her into her bed, and got busy working on the order I have for Saturday....which, ultimately, I had to re-make because I would not have been comfortable with serving them the way that they turned out.

Usually, I can have her calm and happy by the time hubby gets home....not so much today....and he got a taste of what I've been dealing with for a couple of weeks now.  And I felt horrible for him...I feel like I failed him.  It's my job to make sure that she's happy when he gets home from work, and no matter what I did today, I couldn't make that happen.  And I almost cried (sitting on the back deck, at the dinner table, while cleaning up after dinner, in the shower, while remaking my order....you get the picture)....but when tears started rolling down my cheeks this morning, my baby got so upset.  She grabbed me around my neck and started wailing.....she does not do well when Mommy cries...never has....and I was ashamed that I had started crying in front of her.  So, there's another Mommy-Fail for today...so, I sucked it up, put on my big-girl underpants, dried my eyes, and off we went about our day.

Then, I stopped to realize why I've been in such a mood for the past two weeks......All of this, and I have no outlet.  I'm on restricted physical activity right now, so no Monday night S Factor....and that's all that I had....I'll get to go back after JellyBean is born, but right now, that seems like such a long time from now....eternity, almost.  I don't have the time or space to craft, but I do have tons of unfinished housework that I should be focusing on....maybe if I did that more than focusing on my need for some breathing space, I'd be in a better place...not quite so anxious about every single thing.  I'm annoyed with the fact that I'm restricted to be just "human" as opposed to "super human".....

But it's cool.....this will all pass, and life will resume with the new normal....and I'll be back to my old self.

As for my Sweet Little Honey-Baby (who, by the way, calls me her bestest friend in the whole wide world)?  I know that no matter how I feel, or what I'm going through, her situation is waaaaaaaaaay worse than mine.  I just feel horribly because I can't make it all better for her immediately, I can't pour into her head, the fact that this will all be behind her soon enough....so, we'll stumble through the Twinkle Two's, Ticklish Three's, Fantastic Four's....all of that stuff, together.....loving, laughing, crying, giggling, bouncing, running.....together....'cause that's what Mommies and Babies do......

That face!!  How can you not love this face and want to make everything right?!