What Matters? Who Matters?

Tell me that #AllLivesMatter.

Tell me.

Let me tell you a few stories.

Did my life matter when, in middle school, the PE teacher decided that I looked exactly like Whoopie Goldberg and decided that she was going to start calling me “Whoopie”?  When I refused to respond, she said called me Whoopie, again.  Once again, I refused to respond.  In front of the class, she told me to come when she called.  I told her that when she called me by my name, I would.  Did it matter that she yelled that she was about to make an example of me and yanked me out of the gym by my arm…leaving marks on me, and drug me to the principal’s office?  She tried to get me suspended.  She told the principal that I was being highly insubordinate.  When the principal asked what I had done, the teacher told her.  The principal sent me back to class, but later called me back to tell me that if I had just played along, then it wouldn’t have happened.

Did my life matter when, again in middle school, my English class thought that it would be funny to throw me a surprise “Baby Shower/Mother’s Day Party” so that my baby would have everything that he or she needed?  You know, I was told because, “Well, you people tend to have lots of babies very early in life, with no fathers around.  We just want to make sure that you’re not too much of a burden on the welfare office or your family.”  It was a party.  There were snacks.  They shouted, “Happy Mother’s Day, Cerissa!” to me when I walked into the classroom.  At least two teachers were complicit in that event.  No one stopped them.  No one told them that what the ENTIRE class was doing was wrong.  I can’t be sure if these kids’ parents knew that they were doing this.  Even if they did, if they would have stopped them.  When I expressed to the teacher how hurt and humiliated I was, she told me, “Oh, God!  You need to have a sense of humor or you’re not going to get very far in life.  They were just having fun.”

The same teacher who asked me if I was straight from Africa because my skin is as black as coal, my nose is disproportionate to the rest of my face and my hair is so kinky.  The same teacher who asked me if I knew who my father was, and if my brother and I had the same one.

Did my life matter when, in high school, I was told that I couldn’t be a real part of the quiz bowl team because I wasn’t “representative” of my school?  When I was told that I would make an excellent mascot, or team sponsor support person because, you know, Blacks weren’t really into academics. 

Did my life matter when, as an adult, I was driving my now husband’s Mustang down Bay Area and I got pulled over by a police officer for the vehicle having no front plates?  When the officer pulled me out of the car, told me, “Get your fucking hands on the hood and keep them where I can see them!”  When he informed me that people “like me” love stealing cars like that.  He ran my license while threatening to arrest me for stealing a car and identity theft.

Did my life matter when a woman at an optometrist’s office lied on me, and told her boss that I stole a handful of $6 eyeglass chains?  When that doctor approached me and accused me, not questioned, not asked…ACCUSED me of stealing them.  When my parents showed up and another worker there told my mom that “she didn’t look like that kind”.

Did my life matter? 

Do you realize the one difference between me and my attackers at those times?

Do you?

Do I need to spell it out for you?

You might say, “But, they weren’t violent attacks.”

The hell you say.

I was 12 years old when teachers, classmates, and so-called friends violated my childhood.  My innocence.  My right to feel safe at school.  My right to go to a teacher or administrator and tell them that I had been wronged.  My right to trust the adults around me.  My right for justice.

That was pretty damned violent, if you ask me.

I don’t need one person to validate, or invalidate, the life that I have lived in the skin that I have.  In each and every instance, my life…my BLACK LIFE did not matter.

So, go somewhere with #AllLivesMatter, because clearly, they don’t.

So now you say, “But, that was in the past.  You should get over it.  You should forgive and forget.  People change.”

You know what?  Those people who have been murdered…those BLACK people who have been murdered…deserved at least that much.  They may, or may not, have had questionable pasts, but didn’t they deserve better than what they got?

Don’t tell me to “forgive and forget” if you aren’t willing to do the same.  I’ll tell you, honestly I’ve forgiven.  It takes too much to carry that hate.  It festers and makes you as hard-hearted and lifeless as those who are engaging in the wrongdoing. 

But, I haven’t forgotten.  I won’t.  I can’t.  It is part of my history.  You can’t make me, and you can’t shame me for it. 

If it bothers you, get up, get out, and do something about it.  Prove to me that #AllLivesMatter to you by helping to prove that #BlackLivesMatter.

Believe me, you can support #BlackLivesMatter AND #CopsLivesMatter at the same time.  It’s called #ActingLikeADecentHumanBeing.

Make me believe that #AllLivesMatter.

Answers to a few questions about being Bentoriffic

I was overwhelemed (in a good way) about the positive responses that I got to sharing the lunches that I make for my family!  Wow!  That's all that I can say!  I really hope that it helps all of you moms and dads out there.

I had several questions asked by a few different people, so I thought that I'd share them here as a reference:

1.  Do your kids like cold fish sticks and popcorn chicken?

• Truth is, when we have them for a meal at home, they like them practically room temperature anyway.  I opt out of cold packs, as the bentos are insulated enough to keep the cool stuff cool.  They eat lunch early and are in school for only 4 hours per day.  When Cupcake starts kindergarten in the fall, I may reassess the whole cold pack thing in regards to yogurt and pudding.

2. How do you get them to eat soggy fish sticks and popcorn chicken?

• Ahhh, see, I cook them in the morning.  I have a handy-dandy toaster oven that is a life saver.  I ask them what they want to eat in the morning.  That's when I pop them in the oven.  I let them cool completely before I pack them.  Usually, the sequence is:  Start breakfast with Daddy, Ask what they want to eat, bake (if necessary), set out to cool completely while getting dressed.  just before it's time to leave, pack it up.  I'll go ahead to prepare the fruits, puddings, and/or yogurts in the trays and pop them in the refrigerator.

3.  How do you keep hubby's sandwiches fresher?

• I dress the cheese, not the bread.  That keeps the bread from getting soggy.  Thankfully, he's not picky about it like the girl's can be, so it helps to be able to prepare a few days of his food ahead of time.  On Sunday, I try to get Monday and Tuesday (at least) ready for him.  

4.  Those trays!  Where did you get them?

• I researched, and searched...read reviews, researched some more.  Then, bit the bullet.  The Bentgo Kids containers were purchased from Amazon, as were the Easy Lunchboxes and mini-dippers.  The Yumboxes, I ordered from their site.  The are available on Amazon, but if you sign up for their mailing list, they send out coupons.  I got ours at 20% off.

5.  What do you do when they get home from school?

• The trays on the girls' bentos are removable, and top-rack dishwasher safe.  They take them out of their lunch bags (Yes!  They fit into standard sized lunch bags, so you don't have to purchase any special one...unless you want to).  I rinse out the trays and pop them into the dishwasher.  I hand wash the shells so that the seals are preserved.  I have two sets of trays for the Bentgo Kids containers, and when the next coupon comes out, I'll order some more trays for the Yumboxes.

6.  What is the bento style?

• Packing food bento-style, is what you make of it.  Traditionally, it has its origins in Japanese cuisine, and is a way of presenting food so that it is colorful and inviting.  Bentos can be super elaborate (manga characters, landscapes, 3D flowers), or super simple (as in how I do it for my family).  Sure, I could wake up at 2 in the A.M. and carve apples, but my kids like apple slices.  I could use egg molds and shape freshly boiled eggs into hearts and flowers, but my kids don't eat boiled eggs (yet, at least) so that would be a huge waste of time...and eggs (which I use for baking and for hubby's lunches and snacks).  Instead, I use what they like.  I use little cookie cutters to make shapes out of Sugardoodle's sandwiches (she likes them bite-sized), and I use cute,colorful containers.  That's what I make of bento.  You really have to do what works for your family.

7.  Aren't they supposed to be nutritious?

• They can be.  They *should* be.  But right now, this is what my kids eat.  We are actually in the process of expanding their palates.  I take the opportunity to introduce new foods, flavors, and textures in small quantities.  Bentos help with that.  No, my kids probably shouldn't eat this many fish sticks, or frozen popcorn chicken pieces, but I'm a *for realz* mom, and I have to make these types of changes in their diets gradually.  I like to tell myself that they eat better than, say, maybe 60% of the kids in the country.  Besides, I need for them to eat lunch while they are at school.  They'll learn better, they won't disrupt the kids who are actually eating their lunches, and they won't be hangry.  I've actually instituted some food changes in our lives, but I know that gradual is the way to go with my kiddos.

8.  How do you find time to do this?

• If you're going to cut the crusts off of their sandwiches, take the extra 0.04 seconds to grab the cookie cutter and make their sandwich into a cute flower or heart.  You're cutting off of a block of cheese?  Take the extra 0.09 seconds to make one more cut and turn that square into a triangle.

Now, for some pictures:

 Macaroni and cheese, green apple slices, chocolate pudding, animal crackers, VA smoked ham

 Fruit salad, animal crackers, Macaroni and cheese, chocolate pudding

 Ham and cheese roll-up, red grapes, Gr. yogurt, Strawberry newtons, jelly sandwich bites

 Fish sticks and ketchup, Gr. yogurt, strawberries, strawberry newtons

 It may not look appetizing, but it sure is tasty!!  Leftover pot roast and steamed veggies, Hawaiian roll

 Breakfast for lunch!  Chocolate  chip Belgian waffles, Gr. yogurt, ham

 Chocolate chip Belgian waffles, Greek yogurt, strawberries

 Beef stick and bruschetta jack cheese, hummus, cherub tomatoes, and English cucumber slices, wheat thins

 raisins, ritz cheese sandwich crackers, grapes, teddy grahams

 Laughing Cow wedge and wheat thins, Mandarin orange, strawberries and green apple.  I was volunteering at school, and got to make myself a lunch!

 Salsalito turkey and pepper jack sandwich, carrots and Roasted Garlic hummus

 Fish sticks and ketchup, pretzles, chocolate pudding, Mandarin orange

 Popcorn chicken, green apple, smoked gouda sandwich bites, chocolate pudding, teddy grahams

Fish sticks and ketchup, Gr yogurt, green apples and teddy grahams.

I try not to give them the same things twice in a row, but (for the second time in as many weeks) Friday snuck up on me, and fish sticks for Cupcake was the best that I could do at the time.  But, that's the beauty of being flexible.  I've planned better for this coming week.

Snapshots from my life up until now

Here's what we've been up to these days:

Why Can't I Feel This Sleepless In The Afternoon?

An innocent enough question asked by a dear friend of mine at 330A the other day.

It's innocent enough, yet plagues my friends and me on an almost daily basis.  And, there's a really good answer.

It's because our brains don't know any other way any longer.

I'm going to address it from my personal circle of friends.  We've known each other for quite some time, and we all seem to share parts of our brains, and together, we make a whole.  (It's a beautiful thing, really...best little village that I could ever be a part of!)

But, why can't we sleep at night?  Why do we drag in the afternoon, practically falling on our faces from exhaustion, but lie down at night, wide awake?

It's an easy answer.

It's what we do.

During the day, we are focused on the needs of our family.  Our husbands, our children, pets (if we've got them), our parents, our siblings...they need something from us.  Whether they actually tell us what their needs are or not, we're figuring them out and trying to fulfill them.  We are trying to anticipate their needs before they tell us, thinking (at least) 15 steps ahead of where we are, in that moment, so that we don't fall 150 steps behind.

Let's start when a 'normal' person would start, first thing in the morning, but insert our restless minds' thoughts along the way.  (I'll be generous and say that the day starts at 6AM)

6AM:  Roll out of the bed and into the shower (if it's not already occupied).  Think about preparing lunches for husband and kids (CRAP!!  Are there enough fish sticks and mac-and-cheese for the kids' lunches today???), feeding the cats and dogs (please tell me that the dog didn't poop in the crate, and the cat didn't throw up on the bedspread while I was in the shower...I'll have to clean that first, before anything else, or it's gonna get gross).  Do I have anything clean to wear?  Well, I can do the yoga pants that I slept in, because my jeans didn't make it to the dryer yesterday...there's not too much snot/food/dirt on them.  Besides, my real friends will understand.  Let's brush teeth....SHOOT!!!  I need to get toothpaste.  And mouthwash.  I can't forget to add that to the shopping list, using My Little Pony toothpaste and bubblegum mouthwash is getting old.

615AM:  Well, I thought that I was going to get a decent shower in, but now that I have an audience, I'll move it along.  DANG!  It's 615!  I've got to move.  Well, we'll be ok as long as everyone is downstairs and eating by 630.  I've got 15 minutes to slap some blush and eyeliner on and run a brush through my hair.

640AM:  Why aren't they eating?!?  I'm running behind, not sure if I can catch up....Wait!!  There's coffee!  Yes!!  Coffee!  Pour a cup while preheating the toaster oven to bake the last 6 fish sticks (20 minutes) and scooping out some mac and cheese, and making a tortilla roll-up, chopping grapes, slicing cheese, counting Goldfish Crackers, rolling ham, squeezing ketchup (need to add that to the shopping list with toothpaste and mouthwash, oh, and coffee cream...just used the last of it).  Oh, wait...baby wants a bagel?  Ok, flip the setting on the toaster to toast, and wait on the fish sticks.

650AM:  Was there anything in your folder from school that I needed to sign?  Hold on, I need to look at my email real quick...COOKIES???  TODAY?!?!  I thought that was for tomorrow.  Preheat oven, run some hot tap water to warm eggs, pop butter in the microwave to soften....I've got time...

7AM:  Thank goodness Daddy is on breakfast duty.  Fill drink containers for kids, pack backpacks, (need to get some diapers...make a note of that).  Didn't meal plan....what's for dinner tonight?  Hmmm...not enough time to hit the store then get something in the crock pot....what's quick to cook after the girls get up from naptime?  Hamburger Helper....get ground chuck when you run to the store.  WRITE THIS DOWN!!!  You WILL forget!  You know that you will.

730AM:  Lunches packed, backpacks packed, notes signed, cookies baked, cookies packed.  Paper is out to write the list down, but the pen won't work.  Let's go, kids...time to go get dressed.  No, turn the TV off, Jake will be there later, he's on the DVR.

830AM:  Time to go!  Let's go!  Off to school.  Wait, when did Daddy leave?  Well, he got his lunch, that's a plus.  We really should take some time together...you know, talk, connect, act like more than two ships passing in the night.  Didn't I have some coffee at some point in time?  Oh, look, it's cold.  Never mind.  The kitchen is a disaster!  And, it's my fault...I'll have to clean this up.

9AM:  Kids are off to school.  I got 5 minutes with my girlfriends, and we're all off to do the stuff that's easier to get done without the kids.  I knew that I should have written that list down.  Do I have my coupons?  Ok, let's see...toothpaste...pick up some My Little Pony toothpaste.  And ground chuck.  Good,  Done!

9AM-1PM:  The kids are at school, but that's when I kick it into high gear.  It's not down time.  It's can I fold the laundry and  put it up before I have to leave to pick them up?  The kitchen can wait, we can't find the clean underwear.

1230P:  Finish folding, hanging, and putting up the laundry that I can.  Ten minutes to get to school for pick-up. Yes, babies, we can go to the playground for a little while  No, we are not going for snowcones afterwards.  One or the other, and you picked playground.  Play nicely!  Down the slide only!  Not up!  Do NOT pick the mulch up and put it in her hair!  Mulch stays on the ground.

130PM:  Ok, kids, time to go!  No, no tantrums.  If you have a tantrum, we're not coming back tomorrow.  Tantrums mean that you are too tired and need to take a rest.  It's time to go home for quiet time.

130PM-3PM:  Quiet time.  But I can't leave, as the toddler is going through something and won't sleep unless she's touching me.  I don't mind snuggling my baby, really, but the kitchen is a wreck...ahhhh, well....babies before dishes...one day, she'll be too big and won't want to snuggle with me.  I'll drink this in now.  CRAP!  I forgot to get diapers!

3PM:  Calm the 4 year old who happens to be having a nervous breakdown because nap time is over.  Wait, weren't you the one who didn't want to take a nap earlier?

4PM:  4 year old is finally calm and watching a cartoon.  The toddler can't let go of my leg, she cries every time I start working in the kitchen.  Sit on the sofa, watch cartoons with the kids.  I really need to clean the kitchen.  Now, after school snack dishes have piled on top of the breakfast dishes, on top of the lunch prep dishes.

445PM:  Realize that I need to cook dinner.  Not a chance to clean, maneuver around the stacks of dishes that are precariously stacked on the counter and in the sink.  Throw together the Hamburger Helper.  No, you can't have another snack, we're going to eat when Daddy gets home (which I hope is soon).

5PM-530PM:  Hubby arrives home.  Can you please entertain the kids so that I can go pee?  Then, I'll get the food dished up.  Can you get their drinks?  Their cups are somewhere in the kitchen.  Or the living room.  Never mind!  They are here in the bathroom.  Can you freshen them up?  Never mind, I'll do it.  Can you change the baby's diaper?  Or, take the 4 year old to the bathroom?  Ok, I'll change the diaper.  Can you help the 4 year old?

630PM:  Supper is *finally* over.  Bath time!  I'll shower while you bathe the toddler.  The 4 year old can watch a cartoon in our room.  Oh!  You're done!  Ummm...ok.....I still need to get out of the shower, dry off, brush and floss (DANG!  I got yet another tube of My Little Pony toothpaste!) maybe slap some moisturizer on my alligator-looking skin.  Bath time for the 4 year old.  Little Baby, want to read?  "NO!!"  Ok, let's get you brushed and flossed. We'll read Elmo (again) and Peekaboo (again).

730PM:  Bedtime.  No, really.  Let's cuddle.  Settle down.  It's night-night time.  "The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout...".  "A-B-C-D-E-F-G...",  "Twinkle, twinkle little star...".  OLAF!!  Olaf is right here.  "DOC!!!"  Doc is right here.  No, don't throw her on the floor, she doesn't like that.  Give her hugs and kisses.  Tell Olaf and Doc night-night.  Oh, there's sister and daddy...blow kisses!

820PM:  Baby is asleep.  Oh, GAWD!!  I dozed off!  Where's the baby???  Oh, Daddy moved her to hew own bed.  I should get up and at least help clean the kitchen.  He's so good for doing that.  For cleaning up my mess.  I've got to figure out how to better manage my time so that he doesn't have to do that after a full day's work.

824PM:  Baby is up.  Back in bed with me.  Sleeping on my face.  At least she smells good.

11PM:  I'm awake.  Wide awake.  Thinking about something that happened with the kids on the playground.  Did I tell my child to do the right thing?  Did I mess her up?  Am I teaching her to be either a doormat or a bully?  How far will she take the "be nice" admonition?  Will it be to her detriment?  Did I do the right thing by her?  No, you did the best that you could do with what you had.  Don't worry.  She's a great kid...do I worry too much?  Not enough?  I need to remember to get toothpaste for myself.  How can I lay here and think about what I need when I need to plan what hubby is going to have for lunch tomorrow.  Do we have yogurt?  Pancake mix?  I don't do enough teaching the baby her letters and numbers.  Maybe I should think about doing supplemental homeschool lessons.  Which curriculum is the best?  I don't want them to turn into some crazy, over-sheltered nut-jobs who can't interact with society.  I don't want to push them too hard, but I don't want them to not learn.  That playground incident is really working on me...don't think too much about it.  FISH STICKS!  crap, I forgot.  I really need to write this stuff down.  Maybe I can talk them into ravioli for lunch today.  I really need to be a better wife to my husband.  Wow, dinner out, just the two of us, would be nice.  No, stop being selfish.  He works too hard to have to worry about wining and dining you.  You should be more thankful that you can stay at home with the kids and not worry about how the bills are going to get paid.  Maybe just a couple of hours with your girlfriends.  In the evening.  No, that's not fair either.  To leave him with the kids after he's been at work all day.  And, you just got through saying how hard he works.  If anyone deserves some kidless downtime, it's him.  m.  He should go do the go-carts with the guys soon.  Did I teach my girl the right thing?  I am totally screwing up this wife/parent thing.  I hope that the teachers don't call CPS on me.  I swear, the baby climbs EVERYTHING.  And, she's about to shoot up three feet...she's super clumsy right now!  We don't beat our kids!  I swear it!

3AM:  Ok, I can't stop. I need to talk to someone.  I know, I'll send a quick message to my girlfriends.  They won't see it until morning,  because I hope that they can sleep, but maybe writing it out will get it off of my mind for a little while.  **get up and type a quick message**

312AM:  Oh, I see they are up!  Why can't I feel this sleepless in the afternoon?  Read their advice.  Take it to heart.  Feel a little better about the situation, and myself.  That bit of affirmation felt good. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

330AM:  Ok, I'm going to try to get some sleep before 6AM.  I need to blog about this.  And write thank you notes from the party.  I'm already a week behind.  And, I'm three entries behind on my blog.  I should also write about the, "Be nice" lessons we always teach our girls.  What are we doing to them?  What am I doing to mine?!?  I am totally screwing this up.  They are going to end up in therapy, and it's going to be my fault.  It's always the mom's fault, right?  Yep...that's what's going to happen.  I totally suck at this.

530AM:  Well, crap.  That didn't work.  Thank God for Netflix.

540AM:  ZZZZZzzzzzzzz.......

555AM:  MOMMY!!  I'M UP!!

556AM:  Good morning, my sunshine.  Let's go to the potty.

557AM:  Is anyone ever going to worry about my needs?  Foolish woman!  Stop being so selfish.  Do you know how many women would trade places with you in a second?! You are living the life!  Enjoy it!

558AM:  Did I just take a micro-nap while talking to the kid on the potty?

6AM:  Beep!  Beep!  Beep!  Time to get up!


So, you  see....there it is.  Did you catch it?  It's that one moment where we say, "Is anyone going to worry about my needs?"  That keeps us awake and restless.  We feel guilty, having that moment of selfishness, and then, turn full throttle, back into taking care of everyone else's needs.  It's the guilt.  It kills us.  When we signed up for the job of wife and mother, we knew that it was a possibility.  Still, it takes us by surprise, and not in a good way.  Will it ever change?  I can't answer that question.  I'm sure that it can, but will it?

I won't dwell on those thoughts for too long...I have to get the plates ready.  Hubby cooked, so I must do my part.  The stolen moments that I took to write this make it seem like I'm just sitting on my tuckus, doing nothing.  But I HAD to get this out.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll sleep past midnight tonight...we'll see.

How To Help Your Spouse and Your Marriage

Not that you are fully responsible for someone else's happiness, but realize that you can, and do, have a major impact on others, most notably, your spouse.

I've been reading quite a few articles about marital happiness.  What it is, what it takes.  Depending on the source, the articles tell you to center your marriage on each other, or God, or the Earth, the kids, or Jupiter, or well, *insert center of existence here*.

I've kind of boiled down all of the advice to a short(ish) list.  Now, I am by no means a professional in life, marriage, counseling, or anything like that.  The best that I can do is try to absorb some of the info, work it to help my life, and pass along what my experiences end up being.

So, here's some stuff on how to be an effective spouse, and how to have a positive affect on your special someone.  Totally from my (non-professional) point of view.

• Sleep with your spouse
• I don't mean have sex (though that is nice).  I mean, get in the bed with your spouse, talk, watch your shared favorite television show, do a crossword, be silly.  Just get in bed together.  Those moments of non-sexual intimacy mean a lot.  It's a way to connect with each other as people.  
• Say hello to your spouse FIRST when you get home
• It's great to be greeted at the door by children who are happy to see you.  But remember your spouse?  You probably came home to him or her before you came home to the kids. Your spouse is happy to see you at the end of the day, even if s/he isn't jumping up and down upon your entry, they are thrilled to see you.  To come home to your spouse speaks to the depths of your commitment to your marriage.  For your spouse to be at home to welcome you speaks to the depths of their commitment to your marriage.
• Listen
• Whether they are telling you about the boring, everyday aspects of their life, a big meeting at work, or their concern for their own emotional/mental well-being, LISTEN.  It is not fun when you realize that your best friend has heard nothing that you said.  Or worse, didn't take you seriously about something important.
• Remember
• Remember, at least try to remember, some of the things that your spouse tells you.  What they tell you can and WILL come up in a later conversation.  This goes hand in hand with that whole "listen" thing.  Now, no one is expected to remember every single thing that anyone tells them, but you should make it a point to focus on what your spouse says.
• Have at least 5 common goals
• Even if it's something as simple as have coffee together, or a date night once a month.  It's so important to be on the same page!  Things like, getting out of debt and how to bring up the children...WOW!  If you two aren't on the same page, neither one of you is going to be happy.
• Don't stop dating your spouse
• Remember when you two first got together.  She shaved her legs, he brought flowers.  You sipped sipped a delightful tawny port over a fruit and cheese plate at the wine bar while you laughed at each other's geeky jokes. The thrill of holding hands and sharing popcorn at the movies.  Your spouse still needs that.  Between work, kids, household duties, and bills, it's easy to let those moments slip into the past and live as fond memories.  Even if you don't leave the house...put the kids to bed and have a cup of tea together.  Dating your spouse also helps them to feel appreciated, and like they are still the only one who catches your eye.  Let's face it...who doesn't enjoy the rush of love?
• Protect their ability to have some time to themselves
• If they need it.  And by know, you should know if your spouse is the kind of person who needs some downtime.  To build a model, take a drive, write, watch a few minutes of mindless television, pee...some people need some time alone, some don't.  Some take some of their time to hit the gym, some had a lot of things that they used to do to recharge, but don't anymore.  When your spouse needs some time, and they don't get it, everyone notices.  Tempers flare, attitudes get attitude-y, and the spouse whose emotional bank is empty gives up on the notion of a recharge ever again.  Sometimes, people, no matter how much in love they are with their spouse and kids, just need a minute.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It's just how some people are.
• Work at marriage
• It's easy to say, "Well, when the kids are older, we'll go do XYZ."  Here's the problem...if you don't cultivate your marital relationship, who will?  The kids, while they add greatly to marriage, can't.  The importance of marriage, and the relationship between the spouses, is something that you have to teach them.  The children should be a proirty, but your spouse and marriage should be the Number 1.  If you don't work at the marriage every day, what's going to happen when the kids fly the nest?  There won't be anything to work on.  Sadly, so many empty-nesters get divorced because they find that they have very little in common when the kids leave.  I have a strong suspicion that the couples that stay together make it a point to BE married, to listen, to remember, to date.  I also have a strong feeling that their children will be ones to stay married, too.
• Brag on your spouse
• Compliment them.  In public.  In private.  It lets them know that you don't only see snarky, mean, generally not so nice characteristics in them.  It also lets them know that you are their biggest fan and that they are cherished.  And you should be.  You married each other for a reason.
• Don't take yourself, or your spouse, so seriously all of the time
• Sometimes, just be silly.  Make corny jokes, let her roll her eyes.  Know that dinner sucked royally, and let him throw it away.  And if he does eat it, crack a joke at your own expense, thank him, then pour him a glass of wine and hope that he forgets the disaster.

Now, my list definitely isn't exhaustive.  It's just some stuff that I've seen that works from others that I have witnessed who are happily married (and look like they are going to stay that way).  I'm certain that there are times when marriages need tune-ups:  deep heart-to-hearts, maybe even counseling (individual and couple's), but it's part of the job that marriage is (and should be).  You and your spouse are the foundation of your family (whether you have kids or not).  Foundations built on sand will not stand.  The tide will come in, tornadoes and hurricanes will blow, but will you and your spouse still be standing when it's over?  I sure hope so.  Being married is (mostly) fun.  But like most things, it is what you make of it!  I intend on making the most of it, and I'm happy to say that my  husband and I have that as one of our many common goals.  

In Defense of the Crafting Moms and Dads

Because I am one.  I have friends who are.  Never once have I thought that they were out to "stick it to me" or anyone else.  In fact, I admire their talents.  We all have different specialties.  One dear friend can crochet the most beautiful wearable art that I've ever seen.  I'm fortunate enough to have some of her work.  One should get paid for the work she can do in Photoshop (Back to School photos).  One can sew and embroider the cutest outfits that my girls have ever worn (birthday outfits). 

Let me tell you how this one started.  A person posted a link to a blog entry where (in keeping with the Mommy Wars) the writer blasted moms who craft, have themes for their kids' parties, try to capture the perfect photo, and/or sew.

The person who shared the article had (what I felt were) some not very nice things to say about moms like me:  The ones who craft, throw those parties, photograph, bake, sew, scrapbook, cook organic, whatever.  Someone else chimed in with not so kind (almost snarky-mean) words of agreement.  I won't repeat what I read, but I will say that I was very put-off by the exchange.  Put off enough to do a little friends list clean-up.  (It wasn't just this that prompted it, I had been contemplating it for a while because of the generally negative nature of things that I kept reading from this person). 

So, in defense of the Crafting (or whatever hobby-engaging) Mom and Dad, I decided to write a list of thoughts that came to me while reading the article, and the Facebook comments on this person's wall.  I will try to keep it brief, but I feel that Moms and Dads like us deserve a break.

• I craft because I enjoy doing it.  Even if I didn't have kids, I'd do it.
• I bake because I enjoy doing it.  I also run a successful baking business.  My cakes, cookies, and cupcakes are elaborate because I train hard to excel at my craft and ultimately, my business,
• I am well educated, and well stimulated.  Smart people engage in hobbies, too.
• I put together themed birthday parties for my children because it is actually what they want, not me.  Ask KP.  Last year, she requested nearly every Disney character be present at her party.  This year, she asked for Merida.  Merida is the theme.  She's a great kid, and doesn't always get everything that she wants.  I don't see an issue with giving her what she wants on her birthday.  
• If you think, for one single second, that my kids' parties, my crafts, or my dinners have anything to do with you, or that I'm making you feel less than adequate, then you give yourself more importance in my life than you really have.  Also, you are giving me more importance in your life than I want.  I promise you, I didn't give you one single thought when putting these parties together (you know, the ones for MY KIDS).  I did not set out to 'stick it to you', or anything of the sort.  Actually, you're not even on the invite list anyway, so I don't understand your concern.
• I cook because I enjoy doing it.  If you don't like to cook, allrightythen...don't cook.
• I didn't think that it was fair to say that parents like this should stop doing what they are doing.  Why don't you learn how to do some of the things that we do?  Maybe if you had better time management skills, you would have time to craft, cook, bake, sew.  Maybe if you weren't so busy trying to get everyone to be like you, you'd also be happier (I don't know, just a guess).  If you are having feelings of inadequacy, I suggest some type of therapy.  Try blogging.  It's fun!
• I don't sew.
• I don't go out of my way to do organic.
• I hate kale.
• I take the photos that are there.  You know what?  They are all perfect to me because my family is in them.
• I am not looking for perfection.  I am trying to be a good wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter, and niece.
• I am not out to impress you.  I don't care if you are impressed or ticked-off by what I do for my family and loved ones.  What I care about is that those people know that they are loved and cared about.
• I have always been an over-achiever.  This is nothing new.  However, if you knew me better, then you would already know this.  
• I'd be more than happy to teach you some things.  Just ask.
• I'd be happy to do these things for you, if you're nice and ask.  
• I have created exactly one pin on Pinterest.  It had nothing to do with a craft or food.  It was of my amazing husband working in MCC.  He was looking quite awesome (as always) in a shirt and tie that I picked out.  The story is about NASA, not my child's anything.
• If you don't want to broaden your horizons, fine.  Keep on believing in a flat world.  Mine is a globe, full of new and exciting things to learn and experience.
• Have you thought about how your attitude affects your kids?  You are helping to shape them as individuals.  I hope that you are helping to shape them into nice individuals, not mean girls and boys.  There's enough of that going around.

Is that enough?  No, it's not.  But in order to help end these stupid Mommy Wars, we MUST stop trying to make others feel like they are doing something wrong.  Breast vs. Formula, Organic vs. Non-organic, Home School vs. Public School, Vaccinate vs. Non-Vaccinate...Goodness!!  While I definitely have my own opinions on each of these subjects, I whole-heartedly admit that we're all just trying to do what's best for our families.

I know, you're thinking, "What about this list that you just wrote?  Isn't it engaging in Mommy Wars?"  No, it's saying, "As long as I'm not asking you for money, as long as I'm not demanding your time, as long as I'm not telling you 'what you need to do' (how I hate that!) then you shouldn't be so worried about what I'm doing.  Rear your kids, I'll rear mine.  Maybe we can meet in the middle."

Now, I'm off to plan our kids' new playroom, decorations for our new house, and KP's birthday party.  I WILL be pulling out the Cricut and my new Silhouette.  There WILL be vinyl, cute labels, and something about "The Abbott Family, Established 2010".  There WILL be a "Bless this home, and all who enter".  And some handmade wreaths.  And seasonal banners for the mantle.  And photos on canvas.  And whatever other cute stuff that I find inspiration for on Pinterest.

Crafting...cheaper than therapy...(maybe)!

HOLY COW!!

I know, I know...It's been almost a year since I've written a blog post.  I know...last time, I said that I was going to be better....well, new year, new start.  That, and I have accountability to some good friends of mine to publish at least once a week.

I admit, blogging was great therapy for me.  But, I let other stuff get in the way, and I shouldn't have.  All of these thoughts in my head, stories about the random stuff that happens to me, rants in general....they need to get out more.  So, I'm back.  I promise.  Aggie Word.  At least once a week, you'll hear from me.  I'll keep it interesting...as you all know, Hollywood writes movies based on the stuff that happens to me!

As a little catch-up, KP is about to turn 4 (yes, 4!  I'm not handling it well).  EmiCakes will be 2 this summer (seriously?!).  And, Baby #3 will be arriving this summer, as well!  Supposedly with a birthday just 5 days after EmiCakes, but knowing me, s/he will be here in May.

We'll be moving soon.  Had to get a bigger place, or the new baby (aka Peanut) was going to have to sleep in a drawer in the kitchen.  We had been house-hunting for about a year, and the timing just happened to work out for us.  We are definitely excited about all of the changes, and I am only slightly terrified!

So, here I am!  Back at it.  Stealing moments here and there to write a blog that has become my back-burner therapy.  Luckily, I've jotted down lists of things to write about.  Some funny, some serious, some down-right pointless...but hey!  That's life, right?

To keep it light for this particular post, I'll give you some insane cuteness: