What I want. What I need.

I shared some deeply personal stories on my blog the other day. Stuff that even my own mother didn't know about until she read it yesterday.

I have received some not too nice messages about what I shared. People telling me that I was being hateful, unforgiving. People telling me that I am trying to make white people feel guilty for what happened to me.

Let me set somethings straight.

Never once have I expected anyone, White, Black, Mexican, Blue, Purple, or Polka-dotted to feel guilty. Up until a couple of days ago, no one, except the people directly involved, knew. I have never demanded, nor expected an apology from anyone, and up until a couple of days ago, I had never gotten one.

If I took just that small number of experiences from my life and decided that all White people were out to get me, my life now would look a lot different. I wouldn't have my husband or my kids. I wouldn't have my father-in-law or my sister-in-law, niece and nephews. I wouldn't have some of my dearest friends. I wouldn't have the life that I have.

What I want people to understand is that race does exist as a social construct in this world. And, it can be devastating...if you let it. If I extrapolated those experiences to all White people, then I'd hate all White people. But I don't. I saw then, and still see now, those people as individuals. They made their individual choices. They have (I'm hoping) changed. Matured. If they ever thought about their role in what happened, they decided that they would never let it happen again.

I don't want apologies.

I don't want "White Guilt".

I’m not on standby with a mug, waiting to drink "White Tears".

I want understanding.

I want people to understand that the ability to be “colorblind” is not always, if ever, a two-way street.

I want people to understand that if I am required to see White people as individuals, then White people should be required to see Black people as individuals. 

I want people to understand that, in those moments, those people chose to be hateful and unforgiving to me.

I need people to understand that if I don’t talk about it, then it will never get the attention that it deserves, and it won’t change the future.

I need for you to understand that when those events happened to me, during my most formative years, that I learned that my Black Life mattered only as far as others, as White people,  told me it was allowed…to make fun of, to suppress, to oppress.  Just because it makes you uncomfortable does not mean that I am not allowed to talk about it.  That. Shit. Happened.

Telling me to “get over it and stop making people feel bad,“ is blaming the rape victim for getting raped.  "Well, she shouldn’t have ordered the lobster."  "She shouldn’t have worn that skirt."  "She shouldn’t have been drinking."

You’re telling me that I shouldn’t have been born Black.

You’re telling me that since I was born Black, then I just have to deal.

You’re telling me to “be a good Black”, and let it go.  Don’t offend anyone by bringing it up.

You’re victimizing me all over again.

You’re being part of the problem.

Stop it.

I do not speak for all Black people.  I speak for me.  I tell these stories so that people will read them, will understand that this stuff still happens.  Just because you ignore it does not mean that it doesn’t exist. 

If it bothers you, do something about it.  Stand with me to make it stop.  Call it out when you see it…but call it out for what it is.

Just because one Black person shoplifts, it doesn’t mean that ALL Black people shoplift.  They should be seen as an individual who made a bad choice. 

Just because one White police officer abuses his badge, it doesn’t mean that ALL White police officers abuse their badge.  They are a police officer  who made a bad choice.

In each case, the offender should absolutely be held accountable.  And they should be held accountable equally.  The law is supposed to colorblind, right?  Existing on logic and reason, free from emotion, right?  Do something to help make it happen.

Yes, I understand that a police officer doesn’t know what s/he may be walking into when they leave for work in the morning.  You know what?  Neither do I.  I should not have to live in fear that I will be gunned down by a cop because I had to run to the grocery store since I ran out of butter for a cake that I was making.  Because I “fit a description of an armed and dangerous suspect seen driving a black minivan”.  Cops should not have to live in fear, either.

No one should have to live in fear.

Help me dismantle this system that has been built on fear and distrust.  Help me.  Help me build a society that is better for my kids, for your kids.  Help prove that the life of every person on this planet matters.  I can't do it alone.