When Mommy is Tired....

Oh man....it happened last night.  And, I feel like a mommy-failure.  I was tired, and didn't even hear my own baby crying, like six inches away from my head.  She was all-out crying, and I was laying there, asleep.  When hubby came out of the bathroom and called my name, I jolted awake and feared that something was wrong.  And it was.....I let my tired be more important than my baby's cries.

Horrible.  Rotten.  Mommy. Moment.

And then this morning, I cried in the shower.  Not just *sniff, sniff* cry.  But that "I-am-so-tired-I-don't-know-what-to-do-but-cry" ugly cry.  I hoped that no one heard me and I tried to stop sniffing when I turned the water off, but it was hard.  Because I fell asleep, again, while hubby was getting dressed.

Then, I read two articles about babies dying after accidentally being left in parked cars...a reoccurring nightmare that I've been having about Toots for over a week now.  In one of the stories that I read, a baby was suffering so much, that she pulled all of her hair out before she....well, you know.

Then, I held my Emi so tight and started crying again.  I'm so afraid of my exhaustion right now, I can't even begin to explain it.  I'm terrified to get in the car and go somewhere because I fear that I'll either leave her at home alone, or in the car.  As with KP, I put the diaper bag on the floor underneath the car seat...as a precaution....because I don't want to have to live that nightmare.  See diaper bag, see baby.  Pick up diaper bag, pick up baby.  But, I'm worried that I am just that tired, which leads to distraction, which could lead to life-changing disaster.  I'm running on stolen 30-minute naps in the middle of the night while I hold my refluxy baby in a semi-upright position on the sofa, and coffee in the morning.  "Keep moving" I tell myself, "Keep moving, and you'll be ok."

But still, I am tired.

Then, I tell myself to get a grip.  Real mommies, real women, don't act like this.  Get control of yourself, stay vigilant, and keep moving.  I'll eventually get that Sunday afternoon nap that I've been desiring, and I'll be back to my normal self.  Back to the normal fears and concerns of mommy-hood, not the near debilitating phobias that plague my rest-starved brain.

And, I cuddle my little baby, as my big girl watches Veggie Tales.  We'll go do something today.  And I will have my panic moments, but I'll keep moving, with my girls, and always check, double-check, triple-check, to make sure that they are both with me.